We’ve all heard the phrase “honeymoon phase” in regards to romantic relationships. “Oh you’re still in that honeymoon phase,” married couples will croon to new lovers–jealously, knowingly—usually in Hallmark movies. But what exactly is the honeymoon phase, scientifically, how long does it last, and what are you supposed to do once it’s over?
Navigating the (perfectly natural) end of this lovey-dovey beginning phase of some relationships can be tricky. When it’s over, it may feel like you love the person—but you’re not in love with them anymore, and that can be jarring and sometimes may even cause a breakup.
In this article, we’ll guide you through what the honeymoon phase is, what happens inside the body when it’s over, how to make that transition, and how to tell whether the honeymoon is over.
What is the Honeymoon Phase?
The “honeymoon phase,” is the beginning part of a romantic relationship when you’re still getting to know your partner. Everything is new; chemistry is chemistry-ing; and that feeling of falling in love may make the world seem brighter, lighter, and more colorful. If it feels a little like you’re on a high during this relationship phase–and it’s because you are.
Let’s look at what’s going on neurochemically.
Depending on who you ask, romantic love can be broken up into four or five stages. Most researchers tend to agree, though, that the first stage, “the honeymoon stage,” is when initial attraction causes the brain to release dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine.1
These are the neurotransmitters that control “reward” behavior and can make us feel giddy, energetic, obsessive, euphoric, and just plain manic. These chemicals can also cause physical effects like decreased appetite, insomnia, sweaty palms, and nausea. (Fun, right?)1
Similarly, if you were to do a bunch of cocaine, it would also block the transporters for these exact same neurotransmitters–dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine.1 In other words, you’re experiencing a ‘high’ during the honeymoon phase.
How Long Does the Honeymoon Phase Last?
How long the honeymoon phase will vary from couple to couple, person to person. But researchers estimate that it tends to last somewhere between six months and two years for most people.1
Let’s clarify that: it tends to last somewhere between six months and two years for most people in healthy relationships. If you’re in a tumultuous relationship with lots of ups and downs, highs and lows, or are experiencing the “anxious/avoidant rollercoaster,” it may seem like the passion of the honeymoon phase is lasting longer. But experts point out, this heightened state is untenable, and if it lasts too long, can do more harm than good in the long run.2,3
What Comes After the Honeymoon Phase?
As you get used to being with your partner over time, your more excitatory neurotransmitters are less active, and instead the brain starts releasing oxytocin and vasopressin. Thus begins a new phase of relationship, which many experts refer to as the “companionate” or “attachment” phase. You’ll know you’ve entered this phase when you’re not so obsessed with your partner. You may also start to lose some of that crazy sexual chemistry that you had in the beginning– and that’s a normal part of this new phase.4
Oxytocin and vasopressin are tied to emotional stability and more familial-feeling love. In fact, these two chemicals are the same hormones released between parents and their new babies to reinforce their bond.4
It’s because the type of love tends to switch from romantic and lustful to more familial-feeling, that many people, for lack of a better phrase, freak the F out at this point.
The honeymoon is over, and your sexy partner suddenly feels kind of like a buddy—and it’s all inevitable, because brain chemistry. So what is a girl to do?
How Can I Communicate Through The Transition?
First of all, simply understand that the end of the honeymoon phase is perfectly natural and healthy. In fact, imagine being as obsessed with your partner as you were in the beginning, forever. You’d never get anything done, right?
So before you decide to split with your partner because it feels like the spark has died, remind yourself that the next phases of a relationship can be just as fulfilling, if not more. And there are ways to recreate the spark, even if it takes a little effort.
Second, you’ll need to communicate with your partner openly and honestly. If you’re not feeling attracted or sexual, let them know. If you’re having doubts or relationship fears, have a conversation about it. If you need help navigating these conversations, couples counseling can be a great tool.
How Can I Keep the Spark Alive?
According to several studies, women in particular can lose sexual interest (a.k.a., that spark fizzles out) when they’re in long-term, monogamous relationships. This is because of what biologists call “habituation to a stimulus,” in other words, we can grow bored of the same old thing over and over.5,6
It seems that novelty is key to keeping the spark alive.7 Novelty can mean trying new things sexually—sex toys, playing out fantasies, group sex, new partners, kink, or whatever you’re curious about—and it can also look like doing new, exciting things together outside of the bedroom. You could take a class together, go skydiving, go dancing, try different types of date nights, travel, workout together, or whatever feels fun and enlivening. Studies show that simply doing new activities together as a couple can help bring back that spark you had in the beginning.8
Is it Not a Good Match, or Is the Honeymoon Phase Just Over?
So the drugs of the honeymoon phase have worn off and you can finally see your partner clearly. At this point you’ll probably notice their flaws, you two may have more conflict, and the sex frequency may be dwindling. So how do you know if you’re simply moving from one phase to another, or if you’re not a good match?
One important thing to look out for are deep compatibility issues, like misaligned values, morals, goals, or lifestyles. Sometimes the honeymoon phase can be powerful enough to cloud our judgment on even the most important values. For example, he wants kids and you don’t, or you want to be polyamorous and he doesn’t. Once the dust settles and you can think clearly again, these core incompatibilities may come to the surface, clear as day.
Even if you don’t have a major misalignment in values, you may just find that you don’t seem to like your partner as much as you thought you did, once the lust wears off. It’s really about weighing the positives and negatives; if your relationship starts feeling more negative than positive and you two aren’t able to work through these challenges together, it may be a sign that it’s not a good fit.
To Sum Up
Navigating the transition between the honeymoon phase and whatever comes next is not always easy. Some people report feeling depressed or anxious when the honeymoon phase is over, while others may feel relieved. (Byeeeee, insomnia!)
However you’re feeling about it, you’re not alone. (Evidence: One of the most common searches about this phase is, “How to deal when the honeymoon phase is over.”)
If you still need some guidance in navigating this transition, we’d recommend talking to friends, speaking openly with your partner, perhaps looping in a therapist, and definitely adding Esther Perrel to your must-read list.
A note on sex and gender: Sex and gender exists on spectrums, and this article uses terms like “male” or “female” to refer to sex assigned at birth. Learn more.
