We’ve all heard about women faking orgasms. If you’re reading this and you’re a female, you’ve more than likely faked one or one hundred yourself. After all, research shows that up to 74 percent of females have faked it, at least once in their life.1
So we decided to take these numbers and do a little digging ourselves, in an attempt to better understand why faking it happens and how that may impact her sexual satisfaction, or the relationship as a whole.
By way of a super-scientific social media poll, we asked folks to anonymously answer a question:
Have you ever faked an orgasm? Yes (female) or Yes (male)
And then they had the option to anonymously tell us more information about their experience.
Admittedly this isn’t the most rigorous study we’ve ever heard of—but just in this small, social media sample size, we were shook when we saw the results.
Males Fake Orgasms Too
When all was said and done with this poll, 52 percent of males, and 48 percent of females replied that they have faked an orgasm.
In fact, the only people that reached out to share more about their stories were males.
One person said, “I (dude) have faked it many times. Sometimes you hit a plateau of stimulation and realize you won’t O, and the rest of your body gets tired at some point. Feels nicer to fake it than let her think it’s something she did, and avoids an awkward transition where you just stop and then have to explain why.”
Another said, “I have faked an orgasm exactly once with a very pretty woman… So I faked an orgasm from the start and let her think I was a minute man so I could get the hell outta there,” adding. “I was younger and I didn’t know any better. Now I would not have let it even get to the bedroom.”
And another chimed in, “I just wasn’t able to stay hard, so I faked it.”
The fact that more males responded yes to this poll and then provided further details than females did, doesn’t necessarily tell us that more males out there are faking it. In fact, much more thorough and scientific studies confirm that more females fake orgasms than males.2
So what is this telling us?
Women Are Still Repressed About Sex
The simple truth is, more males in this little social media study responded and were willing to talk about their sexual experiences. But that’s it: More males responded.
Tons of females saw this survey, but rather than answer the question, they paused. Perhaps they wondered, is this really anonymous? Perhaps they felt shame. Perhaps they simply didn’t feel comfortable telling some rando on Instagram all about their sexual selves.
But the males–they felt fine with it.
More than anything else, this points to a culture where female sexuality is still stigmatized; where it’s something private, shameful, or to be hidden. (Fun fact: Medieval anatomists called women’s genitals “the pundendum,” meaning “from the shamefacedness that is in women to have them seen.”3)
Says Emily Nagoski in her book “Come As You Are,” “Women’s genitals are tucked away between their legs, as if they want to be hidden, whereas male genitals face forward, for all to see… If you’re a medieval anatomist, it’s because: shame.”3
So here we have an example of this taking place right before our eyes: women’s sexuality tucked away, as if it needs to be hidden, and male sexuality face forward—sliding happily into the DMs to tell us all about their faked orgasms.
Which is kind of the whole point.
Why Do Women Fake Orgasms?
Studies show that females tend to fake orgasms for a few main reasons: 1) They find it unlikely they’ll be able to have an orgasm with their partner, they might be getting tired, or bored; or they might be simply trying to please or not offend their partner.4
And since no females offered up any specific stories in our social media poll, we decided to take this study into Phase II: Reaching out to girlfriends directly.
Hey, just wondering, have you ever faked an orgasm, and if so, why did you do it?
The answers started flooding in.
“Yes, yes, yes. A million times yes. A cajillion times yes,” says one woman. For context, she has been through some intense sexual trauma in her life, and particularly as a child. “For me, it’s a story of learning very early on that sex is performative. So I was performing every time. I was doing it the way I was supposed to do it, and I didn’t even realize it. I probably didn’t realize it until my thirties.”
“I faked it a lot in the early years of sex,” says another woman. “It wasn’t feeling good and I wanted it to be over with.”
“I didn’t know I was [faking it], that’s just what I saw women doing in movies. It seemed like the way to show I enjoyed it was to scream loudly,” another girlfriend says. “Years later, when I actually felt a real orgasm, I was like ooooh I see what that was supposed to be.”
She adds, “Now that I’m older I’ll still occasionally do it if I feel like it’s probably not going to happen, but I don’t want him to feel bad about me not climaxing… I doubt I would do this if it was with a female partner; it’s a bit of an ego stroke for a man. Which feels gross.”
Says another woman, “I think I have maybe [faked it] a handful of times with women, but I don’t like it when women fake it because then I don’t get to know what they like and also, orgasm is not necessarily the goal of sex.”
“Yes, I’ve faked it,” says another girlfriend. “I have been on an SSRI since before I was sexually active, and they’re notorious for making it hard to orgasm. Usually if I’m going to get even close, it needs to be a whole circus of activity on all my parts, or just be alone with a vibrator, so I would often fake orgasm.”
She adds, “Even if the medication wasn’t an issue, I don’t think I’d have a problem faking it from time to time. It’s my body and I can make sex as performative or not performative as I want to.”
“I’ve faked them,” says someone else. “But that was back in my teenage / early twenties when I had a warped view about sex and did it more for the guy than my own satisfaction.”
Only one friend said she’d never faked an orgasm, adding, “Nobody gets a celebration for something they don’t achieve!”
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The Problem with Faking It
We get it. Sometimes you’re over it and you realize you’re just not going to get there. It might be easier in the moment to just fake it, watch “The Daily Show,” and call it a night.
But faking your orgasm every time or most times you’re being sexual with someone can do you and the other person a disservice.
Says one girlfriend, “I can see what a disservice to myself [faking it] has been because he’ll try the same moves that ‘worked before’ (when I was faking it) and is genuinely confused that it’s not working now.”
Exactly.
Repeatedly faking orgasm allows your partner to think that something that isn’t working for you, actually is. This means they’re not really learning how to make you orgasm, and you’re not actually having one.
Of course, as one friend pointed out, orgasm is not always the goal. Sex can be incredibly pleasurable, playful, and exploratory without an orgasm. But when you’re faking it all the time, it communicates that orgasm is the goal and sex likely won’t feel as pleasurable or exploratory— even with the pressure of a faked orgasm.
Faking it may also rob you and your partner of the closeness that can come from real, honest communication. What would it be like if you said to them,
“Actually, that’s not working for me. Can you do it like this instead?”
Or, “let me show you how I do it.”
Or, “I’d like to bring my vibrator into our sex.”
Or even, “I don’t think I can orgasm with you. And actually, I’ve been faking it when I’ve said I have.”
If we stop worrying so much about “stroking the ego” of our partner and start worrying more about how we actually feel, sex–and our connection with our sexual partner(s)–can only become more authentic, more pleasurable, and maybe even include more actual orgasms.
