Repeat after me: the spark isn’t dead just because the sex fire isn’t lit.
It’s common to worry about your sex life in a culture like ours. Sexual intercourse is a topic under constant analysis—on our screens, at our brunch tables, everywhere. The more we talk about sex, the more questions surround what defines sex and how often we should be having it. These factors determine everything about your relationship, right?
Wrong. So, so wrong.
While we’re thrilled more people are talking about sex, it can feel as though there is growing shame toward not having frequent bedroom activity. If you’re freaking out about a month or more without sex, we’re about to tell you why the dry spell in your relationship isn’t the end of the world.
Why You Shouldn’t Panic
Ebbing and flowing is statistically normal.
According to Everyday Health, over 40 million people in the United States aren’t having sex in their relationships. Additionally, a study published in the National Library of Medicine found that over 15% of married couples surveyed hadn’t had sex in a year—and more than 13% hadn’t had sex in five years.It seems this dip in activity is more common than most people think. Intimacy experts also agree that dry spells are normal in relationships, particularly those lasting over a year. Let us shorten all that for you: you are not alone.
Your relationship—and life—is bigger than sex.
Is sex important? Absolutely. Is it everything? Absolutely not. Your (and your partner’s) libidos may rise and fall from a number of factors, a few of which include stress, antidepressants, hormonal imbalances and diet. So, why should whether or not you two are knocking boots every day mean anything on its own?
Connection manifests in other ways. If you and your partner are enjoying quality time with each other, participating in alternative forms of intimacy (touch, verbal affection, or otherwise), and overall feel in sync, then a dry spell certainly isn’t cause for a shame spiral–and why should it?
In short, there are ways to “fix” this, and it starts with communication. Being a little concerned after a few months without sexual activity is completely understandable—but it doesn’t need to be a permanent issue. Healing starts with having an important convo with the person you’re in a relationship with.
Here’s What to Do
Talk to your partner. If you aren’t already doing this, it’s time to chat with the only other person that’s experiencing this issue with you: your partner. Lead with curiosity about this phenomenon you’re both experiencing, and avoid pointing fingers.
The goal here is to discover what might be happening together. Share how the dry spell makes you feel and if you’re concerned about it continuing—then allow them to do the same. Remember, this is normal and an opportunity to strengthen the communication in your relationship.
Think about the root cause.
Here are some guiding questions to consider before you share with your partner:
- Is your dry spell being caused by something in particular?
- Are either of you experiencing insecurities that could be affecting the way you approach connection?
- Are you and your partner feeling disconnected in other ways, outside of the bedroom?
- Alternatively, is everything pretty much status quo, and you’re both confused about why you haven’t had sex?
You don’t have to do this step alone. If couples’ counseling or therapy is something in your budget and of interest to you and your partner, it might be a good idea to let a professional guide this discussion if you two aren’t making progress on your own.
Look at your options.
If you are feeling emotionally and psychologically in tune with your partner, there are more tactics to consider to keep things interesting in the bedroom. We’re talking new positions, exploring kinks and fantasies, and reconnecting with your partner through conversation and quality time.
Our personal favorite? Sharing intimacy in other ways. You could try cuddling naked, maintaining lengthy eye contact, sharing touch for longer periods of time than you may be used to—all things that bring you two closer and turn up the heat. Consider doing your own research and talking through what might sound good with your partner.
Finally, remember that you can solve this together.
Sexual ebbs and flows are a natural part of the healthiest of relationships, and you’ve got plenty of tools in your arsenal. Oh, and if there’s anything our Sex Collection can help you with, give it a try.
