Supporting someone through their fertility journey can feel tricky. You want to say the right thing, do the right thing, and somehow make a hard experience easier—all without accidentally putting your foot in your mouth.
Whether your loved one is dealing with infertility, going through IVF, or simply trying to conceive and feeling overwhelmed, your support matters more than you might realize.
Here’s how to show up in ways that are genuinely helpful, compassionate, and actually doable whether you’re a friend, family member, or partner.
Use active listening
Active listening can be your secret superpower here. It means listening to understand—not to jump in with advice, solutions, your own stories, or “the bright side.” Instead, try listening without interruption, and then reflect back what you hear.1 Another part of active listening is getting rid of distractions—put away the phone, turn off the T.V., make eye contact, and let your loved one know you’re truly present.
Validate their feelings
Fertility struggles can be an emotional rollercoaster (more on this in a moment.) Your friend, partner, or family member could be experiencing the gamut of emotions—-hope, anger, jealousy, fear, despair—-and all of these feelings are valid.
As their confidant, it’s important for you to let them know these feelings are valid by saying things like “It makes sense you’re feeling this way,” or “Yes, this is hard.” Avoid throwaway phrases like, “It’ll happen when it’s meant to!” or “Look on the bright side!”
Don’t compare
Perhaps the only thing worse than hearing a friend or loved one say, “Look on the bright side!” when you’re truly struggling (especially if filled with hormones from, say, IVF), is to hear all about someone’s experience in comparison to your own.
Even if you or someone you know has also been through fertility struggles, comparing timelines, diagnoses, or outcomes can unintentionally shut your loved one down. Instead, only share others’ experiences if your friend asks you for their story.
Educate yourself on the process
One major thing anyone—partner, family member, or friend—can do quietly in the background, is to educate themselves on the basics of fertility, infertility, IVF, etc. Understanding the myriad of acronyms, appointment schedules, and why certain days are especially stressful can help you show up more thoughtfully. Plus, it saves your loved one the added emotional labor of explaining it all to you.2
Be there for the (whole) process– not just the end result
We mentioned that fertility can be a journey, and by journey, we mean rollercoaster. The entire process of conceiving may be simple for some, but for others can take months or years of not getting pregnant, heartbreaking miscarriages, IVF treatments, difficult pregnancies, difficult births, and on into a rough postpartum period. Showing up for delivery day with some balloons isn’t going to cut it, if you’re not also there for the entire process.
Acts of service for the win
Acts of service are like gold during fertility treatment and while trying to conceive. You can offer to drive them to appointments, watch their kids, walk the dog, cook dinner, or handle errands during big treatment or otherwise stressful weeks. Be sure to ask them what specifically would be most helpful.
Give gifts with intention
Gift giving can be hit or miss when people are stressed, so if you go this route, really do it with intention. Ask yourself what sort of items would genuinely help your loved one out right now? We’re thinking cozy socks for an IVF injection day, a heating pad, favorite snack for post-doctors appointments, or their favorite relaxing bath supplies. Avoid gifts that center around babies or pregnancy if your friend is having trouble conceiving, and rather, focus on Mom.
Avoid asking about their timeline
“Any updates?” might seem harmless, but it can feel loaded. Fertility timelines are personal, fluid, and often stressful. A better approach might just be to let your loved one know you’re thinking of them with a simple text, emphasizing they don’t need to respond.
A general rule of thumb? When it comes to asking friends or family about having a baby, it’s usually best to just not. Remember, everyone’s on their own timeline, that pesky "biological clock” is a (thankfully) fading concept, and many people don’t want to have kids at all. If they don’t bring it up with you, best to mind your own business.
Consider joining them in fertility counseling
Seeking therapy or counseling can be especially helpful if you’re the partner of someone trying to conceive, since fertility struggles will no doubt be impacting you both. There are plenty of therapists who specialize in fertility issues or couples’ issues. If you don’t know where to start, Psychology Today has a wonderful feature that allows you to search by speciality, insurance, location, and many more categories.
Take care of yourself
The old adage, “You can’t pour from an empty cup,” really applies here. If you’re not taking the time and space to resource yourself– get good sleep, eat well, exercise, and do the things you love– you can’t be expected to help resource your loved one.
And for male partners trying to conceive, “take care of yourself” takes on a whole new meaning, because as studies show, Dad’s health at the time of conception can have lasting impacts on the pregnancy and even baby’s health down the line.4 Remember, DNA is split 50 / 50, so for males, it’s important to make sure you– and so your sperm– are as healthy as possible when trying to start a family.
