Earlier this year, Talker Research conducted a survey amongst millennials to find out just how important certain qualities were in a romantic relationship. They asked about things like shared hobbies, political views, and lifestyle similarities.
The poll’s results showed that while millennials do certainly value these things in a partner– the number one value, above everything else–
Was quality sex.1
In a Newsweek article about the poll, experts discuss how our culture’s views around sex have shifted over the years. It’s no longer as taboo as it once was, women’s pleasure is actually a thing now, and mediocre sex just isn’t cutting it in this day and age.
So if you’re with a partner and the sex isn’t great– but everything is– what is a girl to do? And where is the line between “needs improvement” and simply “not sexually compatible”?
To find out, we’ve brought in Jen Hill– Marriage and Family Therapist Associate at Enhancing Intimacy Counseling in Austin, Texas, supervised by Claudia Thompson– to answer our burning questions about sexual compatibility and sexual pleasure in intimate relationships.
Sexual Pleasure in a Relationship
How important is it, really? Well, according to millennials, sex is very important in a relationship. Not just sex– but good sex.1
However, according to Hill, it’s also extremely common for couples to struggle to have sex that feels mutually good.
“In our culture, sex is often accompanied by shame that begins during childhood and adolescence,” she says. “We don't talk much about sex or learn about having healthy sex and enjoying sexual pleasure. Therefore, it makes sense that couples struggle with sex and intimacy.”
When Your Partner Isn’t Satisfying You Sexually
Hill advises couples to “communicate, play, and figure out what you like as a couple.” And if you don’t know what you like, exactly, a good way to find out is to experiment on your own with masturbation.
“If you're unable to talk openly and share vulnerably, then you need to get comfortable doing that,” says Hill. “Good sex happens when there's vulnerability, trust, and open communication.”
Broaching The Conversation
“Just as you'd do with any difficult conversation,” Hill says. “Tell your partner you'd like to discuss something with them when it's a good time. Consider saying something like, ‘I'd like to talk to you about something that may be hard to discuss, but I love you and I think this is important for our relationship. Is now a good time or is there a better time this week?’”
Hill adds that a couples’ therapist can also be a good asset in talking about sex or other difficult topics with your partner.
If You’re Not Satisfied – Don’t Fake It
“Faking it,” a.k.a. acting like you’re having an orgasm when you’re not, is “akin to being untruthful,” says Hill. “Since you need trust for a healthy relationship, I can't think of any scenarios in which I would recommend faking it.”
And if You Don’t Feel Like Having Sex – Don’t Do It
“I think most people prefer sex when they're in the mood and are enjoying themselves, so I think it's better to figure out how to mutually enjoy sex than to do it to try and please or appease someone else,” Hill says. “After all, sacrificing your needs for someone else's rarely ends well.”
Let’s add in that just because your body might seem aroused– i.e., you’re wet or hard– it doesn’t necessarily mean you want to have sex. This misalignment between physical arousal and actual desire is called “arousal non-concordance,” and it’s important to learn when it’s happening so you don’t cross your own boundaries.
The Orgasm Gap
Let's talk about it. Many women feel the need to “fake it” or even have sex they’re not entirely enjoying because of a little something called the “orgasm gap.” This refers to this horrifying fun fact: During sex, men experience orgasms about 95 percent of the time– where (heterosexual) women experience them only about 65 percent of the time. In fact, heterosexual women are the people least likely to have orgasms. (With their male partners, that is. Women seem to be doing things just fine on their own or with each other.)2
A lot of this has to do with the unfortunate misunderstanding that “sex = penetration.” And the simple truth is, most women can’t get off with penetration alone. Here’s what Hill has to say on the subject:
“Sex does not equal penetration, though that's the common heteronormative interpretation. I can't recall the exact statistic, but something like 70-80% of women do not orgasm without clitoral stimulation. That means that all the men out there expecting their women to orgasm through vaginal penetration alone are misinformed. I'd advise couples to make her orgasm as important (if not more!) as his. Grab a good clitoral vibrator, use a tongue and/or fingers, and go to town.”
Feeling Connected, Cared For, and Relaxed
“For many people, being able to enjoy sex starts with feeling connected, cared for, and relaxed,” says Hill. “So if you're noticing sexual dissatisfaction, ask yourself, ‘Am I feeling connected to my partner, cared for by my partner, and relaxed? Or am I pissed off, stressed, and anxious?’ If it's the latter, then addressing those issues is the first step to more enjoyable sex.”
What if You’re Just Not Sexually Compatible?
Hill advises folks to start by helping your partner understand what you like and finding out what they like. Most of the time there’s “at least enough commonalities for sexual compatibility,” however, “if you can’t find any common ground you may not be sexually compatible.” But she adds, “there are a lot of ways to have sex and experience pleasure, so get creative and be open-minded, curious, and non judgemental.”
Required Reading According to Hill
- Becoming Cliterate by Laurie Mintz
- Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski
- Good Sex on HBO
