Unfortunately, our perception of sex is heavily influenced by the media we consume. From movies to porn, there’s so much we assume is true about sex due to the imagery we unconsciously download. While we’ve built enough rhetoric to dismantle some misunderstandings about sex, there are still a few insidious beliefs we may be operating under that aren’t necessarily true. For example, it’s generally assumed that desire should lead to sexual arousal, which should lead to bodily responses like vaginal lubrication or an erection; however, that’s not always the case.
Many struggle with feeling like both their mind and body aren’t sexually aligning, known as arousal non-concordance. This can be defined as a lack of coordination between your physical and subjective arousal, or a disconnection between the body and mind.
Subjective arousal is your personal evaluation of how a sexual stimulus is making you feel, while physical arousal is how your genitals react to sexual stimulus. For example, things may be getting hot and heavy with you and someone you’re attracted to, and while you’re excited and mentally turned on, your genitals remain either dry or flaccid. Conversely, you may not necessarily be in a sexual mood, yet your genitals respond excitedly. It can not only be confusing to navigate, but even more embarrassing to talk about.
Around 90% of cis women and 50% of cis men admit to experiencing arousal non-concordance, yet it’s one of the least openly discussed sexual experiences. There’s an inherited sense of shame around it, though it’s an incredibly normal human response—and It's common for your sex drive to fluctuate at different points during your monthly cycle. Here’s what to know about arousal non-concordance, including what may be triggering it and how to navigate it.
Addressing Arousal-Concordance
Hormones play a major role in sexual arousal, and a shift in estrogen or testosterone can indicate a change in erections, lubrication, and libido—whether you’re experiencing pregnancy, menopause, or just graceful aging. You may want a sexual connection mentally, but your body may be less equipped to get there.
A number of other factors may trigger arousal non-concordance, including stress, burnout, fatigue, or lack of energy. It’s also worth noting that maybe you just simply weren’t feeling it at the moment. Female arousal tends to be more responsive rather than spontaneous, and if your partner tends to get hot and heavy without taking the time for foreplay, it can leave you feeling like you sprinted through what should have been a leisurely stroll.
Coping tips to consider:
- Listen while masturbating. If you tend to be subjectively but not physically aroused, be intentional about listening to your body during masturbation and making note of what makes you physically aroused. This can be helpful information to share with your partner during sex, which can encourage true body-mind alignment.
- Try to unlearn the stigmas. Be aware of any learned biases you consciously or unconsciously ingested about sex, which in turn may have impacted your arousal journey. Stigmatization and outdated norms bred within your home, church, or overall upbringing can make your body reject arousal and associate it with filth, even if you want to get there.
- Relax your body. Make sure your body is in its most relaxed state, which is a major key to arousal. If you don’t feel safe or relaxed around your partner, it can tense the body beyond the point of reception. Be honest about why you may not feel relaxed, and do your best to address those factors.
- Tend to vaginal dryness. If vaginal dryness is a recurring issue when you're trying to get in the mood, try exploring different kinds of lubricants that feel right or trying out MENO Vaginal Moisture, OBGYN-formulated capsules to support healthy sexual function, vaginal moisture, arousal & desire. It can help alleviate any shame around vaginal dryness, allowing your body to enter a relaxed and sexually receptive state.
- Confront what’s going on internally. If you often find yourself physically aroused but not subjectively aroused, there may be some underlying emotions or unresolved traumas standing in the way. Are there events or experiences within your relationship or outside that are potentially influencing your subjective arousal? Therapy can be transformative.
- Explore and experiment. From toys to lube to roleplay, don’t be afraid to explore new ways of sexual expression. You never know if you’ll stumble upon a kink that can completely transform your relationship with sex.
While these tips can help address sexual non-concordance, it’s important to note that a person’s relationship with sex can change drastically after experiencing trauma. Someone who has experienced sexual abuse might become easily disregulated during any stage of sexual interaction, and it can be difficult to feel safe in your body. If this persists, consider consulting a trusted healthcare provider or a mental health professional to discuss your experience and next steps.
Just as desire is nuanced, your own unique journey with arousal is a deeply personal experience. Open, honest conversations about arousal non-concordance can not only strengthen sexual communication with your partner, but provide the foundation for navigating your arousal patterns with more understanding.
A note on sex and gender: Sex and gender exists on spectrums, and this article uses terms like “male” or “female” to refer to sex assigned at birth. Learn more.
