If you’ve ever laid there thinking, Is this ever going to happen?, take a breath, because you are nowhere near alone.
Our own State of the Vagina report found that 51 percent of women have felt sexually unsatisfied in a relationship; 40 percent have faked an orgasm; and 68 percent reported prioritizing their partner’s pleasure over their own. That’s not some small, quiet minority. Ladies, that is most of us.1
So to celebrate National Orgasm Day, let’s talk about what’s actually going on here, and what we can do about it. Because, frankly, “just relax” is not getting us anywhere.
You probably weren’t taught how this works
If you’re like most women, your formal sex education probably involved a printed diagram of a uterus and a vagina and a few horror stories about STDs and teen pregnancy by a gym / sex ed teacher who literally wanted to be anywhere else. Our State of the Vagina report backs this up: 60 percent of women say they were never taught about the vagina in school at all, and a whopping 84 percent say the education they did receive wasn't helpful for their current sex life.
In a 2025 Armchair Expert podcast episode, certified sexologist Shan Boodram discusses how modern sex ed needs a major shift; that it’s currently too clinical, fear-based, and shameful. And her mission is to make learning about sex engaging, empowering, non-shameful or judgmental, and to teach young people early about pleasure and being direct about their wants. (It’s a great episode. Check it out if you haven’t!)
We have to say, we agree with Shan on this one. You can't be expected to confidently navigate your own orgasm when nobody ever explained where the clitoris is, let alone what it does.
The orgasm gap is real
If you’re a heterosexual woman and most of your orgasm troubles occur during partnered sex, it may well be because of the “orgasm gap.” We’ve talked extensively about the orgasm gap before, and honestly, we’ll just keep talking about it until that gap begins to close. Here’s what we mean:
A national U.S. survey found that heterosexual women orgasm the least out of any group, while heterosexual men reported the most. Here’s the exact breakdown: 95 percent of heterosexual men, 89 percent of gay men, 88 percent of bisexual men, 86 percent of lesbian women, 66 percent of bisexual women, and only 65 percent of straight women reported having consistent orgasms.3
So when we talk about the orgasm gap, we’re talking about this massive disparity (95 vs. 65 percent) between heterosexual men and women.
And it’s not a “you” thing, ladies. Further research shows that most women are able to achieve orgasm alone or with another woman.4
And while we don’t want to go around pointing fingers at the “service provider,” the truth is, most women need clitoral stimulation (in the right way) to finish. And vaginal penetration alone just doesn’t do it. In heterosexual relationships, intercourse seems to be the “main course,” if you will, and everything else is often considered foreplay, or sometimes skipped altogether. This formula does not set women up to come.
Your body might genuinely need more time (and moisture)
Arousal isn’t instant for most women, and trying to rush it or put pressure on it is a pretty sure-fire way to kill the vibe — and your orgasm. So what does it take to actually get there? According to research, for many, it looks a little something like this:
- A mental “switch on”6
- Non-genital touch and connection6
- Time – about 10 minutes on average7
- Direct, sustained, clitoral stimulation6
- Physical comfort and lubrication6
Vaginal dryness, discomfort, or just not enough lubrication can make things feel uncomfortable at best and painful at worst. This is especially true during perimenopause, which can start as early as your 30s, and menopause, once you’ve stopped having periods altogether for two years.5
This is where a little physical support can go a long way. Something like URO Vaginal Moisture + Mood is designed to support natural arousal and moisture from the inside out, while MENO Vaginal Moisture is formulated specifically for the hormonal shifts of perimenopause and menopause. Ob/Gyns also consistently recommend using lube during masturbation or partnered sex to make things more pleasurable.
You’re in your head
Oftentimes we get caught up in our heads during sex: Did I leave the stove on? Did I forget to email my boss? Am I going to be able to come?!
Practicing staying in your body can be a lot easier during masturbation, and then bring that same mindfulness into partnered sex. In fact, masturbation, without an audience or an agenda, is one of the lowest-pressure ways to relearn what your body likes. (We've got 7 reasons to masturbate this week, if you need the nudge.)
Another thing we often do during masturbation that somehow gets lost during partnered sex is fantasizing! During masturbation, porn, fantasizing, and sex toys are all on the table. Bringing these tools into your partnered sex life can be a major game changer for closing that orgasm gap.
It could be your medication
Several medications are widely known to decrease sexual sensitivity, arousal, and the ability to orgasm in people of all genders. Some of the top culprits include8:
- Antidepressants, especially SSRIs
- Antipsychotics
- Hormonal birth controls
- Certain blood pressure medications
- Beta blockers
None of this means you need to choose between a helpful medication and orgasms; it’s just worth having a conversation with your doctor if you think a medication is impacting your libido or sensitivity. They might change your dose, or the timing, or switch things up.
Take the pressure off
Sex and masturbation can feel really good, grounding, and connecting, even without an orgasm. So if you’re struggling to come, one of the best things you can do is remove the goal of coming. Try this with yourself first, as this generally tends to be a lower pressure vibe. Then, with your partner, you can communicate openly and honestly. Something like, “I don’t want this to be about ‘making me come.’ Let’s just explore and see what happens.”
Tell them to clear their afternoon.
