Women have been told for centuries that the way they experience sexual arousal is wrong—through shaming tactics, the disregard of female desire, and blatant invalidation of women’s sexual preferences. This, coupled with the fact that every woman experiences arousal differently, has led to an even bigger wedge in the orgasm gap and many women feeling they simply take ‘too long’.
We’re here to tell you: the way you experience arousal is most likely completely normal. No two women share the same arousal pattern, which means there is a wide variety in normal, natural sexual responses. While some men can become aroused (and sometimes orgasm) in a matter of minutes or seconds, most women tend to need more stimulation for longer periods of time to be fully aroused.
So, can awareness of your arousal journey affect your orgasms? Can foreplay change your sex life? Has anyone scientifically studied this? Let’s talk about it.
Four Levels of Arousal
Firstly, you may be shocked to learn that studies indicate women become sexually aroused just as quickly as men do—with the process taking roughly ten minutes. Arousal is experienced in a 4-stage cycle known as the sexual response journey, with each stage equally as important as the others:
-
Excitement: The initial physiological response your body experiences, which can be kick-started by foreplay. During this phase, your heart rate increases, muscles tense, and blood flows to your genitals. The vagina might experience swelling of the clitoris and labia, and increased blood flow to the penis can cause an erection.
-
Plateau: The phase when arousal is maintained and muscles continue to tense. Glands in the penis swell while the outer vagina contracts.
-
Orgasm: The intense release of neuromuscular tension, an explosion of sexual pleasure. The vagina experiences a series of contractions and the penis ejaculates—although this stage doesn’t always happen.
-
Resolution: The final phase of the cycle in which sexual excitement declines and your body returns to its pre-aroused state.
However, this arousal cycle is not a one-size-fits-all. Recurrent problems with sexual response, desire, orgasm or pain—that distress you or strain your relationship with your partner—are known medically as sexual dysfunction. It can be caused by health conditions, hormonal shifts, medications, or emotional reasons like a history of sexual abuse, mental health, negative body image, or relational stressors. No matter what your arousal journey looks like, it’s valid, normal, and something you can always discuss with your physician.
What Triggers Female Arousal?
Foreplay is a series of intimate acts intended to feed sexual arousal, excitement, and desire. It’s not breaking news to say that a lot of women desire more of it—so why is it so often ignored?
The answer may be a lack of communication. While some men can reach peak arousal quickly, many women require foreplay to get fully in the zone—and this type of stimulation varies for everyone. Suggestive media, dirty talk, kissing, caressing, and self-pleasure are just a few types of foreplay women report as highly effective forms of stimulation. It’s essential to communicate with your partner to understand what gets them in the mood (and how long they’d like to engage in different types of foreplay).
Additionally, one of the biggest myths about intimacy is that it has to end with an orgasm. Intimate acts can exist as their own moments, and aren’t invalidated because they didn't escalate into sexual intercourse or produce an orgasm—which is especially important since so many women blame themselves for not getting to the big O with a partner. Some women can actually reach a full climax simply through nipple stimulation alone, while others have never experienced an orgasm in their lifetime. No matter how often you orgasm, it’s essential to check in with your partner (and yourself) regularly to assess what works best for you.
Signs Of Female Arousal
Your mental state plays a pivotal role in your arousal journey, but there can also be clear physical signs that your body has reached a state of arousal:
- Your pulse and heartbeat quicken, and your blood pressure rises.
- Your blood vessels dilate, including blood vessels to the genitals.
- Your vagina and vulva might become wet to help lubricate the genitals.
- Parts of your vulva, such as the labia (lips) and clitoris, become swollen due to the increased blood supply.
- Your vaginal canal might expand.
- Your breasts become fuller, and your nipples may become erect.
Be Patient With Your Body
It’s not a race. While it’s important that male partners in heterosexual relationships understand the significance of foreplay for women, it’s also worthwhile for women to take time to think about what gives them the most pleasure. Effective communication can lead to intentional foreplay, which may very well result in better, bigger climaxes. Be patient with yourself—and remind yourself you don’t need to fake an orgasm just for your partner’s sake.
Point blank: don’t feel bad for “taking too long.” Any person you choose to have sex with should understand that the privilege may require foreplay, and above all else, effective communication. Challenge yourself to be vocal about what you really want in bed. You deserve it.
A note on sex and gender: Sex and gender exist on spectrums, and this article uses the terms “female” and “male” to refer to sex assigned at birth.
