Vaginal dryness is usually something doctors mention as a happy side effect of perimenopause. There are articles and articles (we’ve even written some of them!) about vaginal dryness in relation to the decrease in hormones leading up to menopause–but what if you’re nowhere near perimenopause?
(Which, FYI, can begin anywhere from a few to 10 years before you stop having periods. So for some people this can be in your 40s or 50s; for others, in your 30s, depending on when menopause will start for you– and there is no crystal ball that can tell us that.)1
Anyway, let’s say you’re in your 20s or early 30s. Maybe you’ve even had bloodwork done and your hormone levels are all good–they’re great; they’re off the charts. You’re fertile as a turtle.
Basically, for the purposes of this article, we’ll say you are definitely not in perimenopause.
But–you’re still struggling with vaginal dryness.
For young women in this camp, you might find yourself frustrated or concerned. After all, the media tells us that how wet you can get is some sort of barometer of peak sexuality.
But–it’s not.
And today we’ll go over the many, many reasons you might not be getting wet when you think you should be– and why “should” here should be removed entirely.
You’re not turned on
Being aroused is one big reason women typically “get wet.” What’s happening here is that blood flow to the genitals increases with arousal, which triggers the release of fluid from the cervix and the Bartholin’s glands– little guys on either side of the vaginal opening.2
Typically, this is the body’s smart way of saying, “I’m turned on. I must be about to have some sex. Here’s some natural lube!” (Not always, though, which we’ll see in the next section.)
If you’re not wet, it’s important to ask yourself– honestly– Am I really feeling turned on? There can be a lot of external and internal pressure to feel like we should be turned on in certain situations. Maybe you promised your partner some afternoon nooky; maybe you’re on a really hot date; maybe it’s your anniversary. It doesn’t really matter what the circumstances are– the only question that matters here is, Are you really in the mood? If the answer is no, please don’t try to force yourself into being a “yes.”
Your vaginal dryness may be just your body telling you, “Girl, you know you’re not in the mood.”
You ARE turned on–but your body isn’t responding
There’s a little something called arousal non-concordance, and this describes when your brain and your body aren’t aligning during sex.3 It can look a couple of ways:
- You are feeling turned on and ready to go. Mentally, you’re all in. But your vagina isn’t responding by getting wet.
- You are not feeling turned on. You’re not into what’s going on. But your vagina is still wet.
This can be tricky, because our culture (cough:: porn:: cough) has basically drilled into us that wet = turned on. But this is not always the case. Our bodies sometimes respond in ways that don’t match up with how we’re feeling or with what we’re wanting.
The important thing here is to slow down and really check in with yourself: Do I want to be in this situation right now? Do I feel turned on? Am I a yes to this? If you are an enthusiastic yes, but you’re not getting wet– no big deal! We have lube and science on our side.
But if you are not actually in the mood or don’t feel safe in a situation– don’t let your wetness trick you into thinking you’re a “yes.” This scary logic comes up in sexual assault cases often– “But she was wet; she wanted it.” Or even worse, “But I was wet; I must have wanted it.” This can lead to victim-blaming nonsense, when really, the body may have just been experiencing arousal non-concordance.
It’s where you are in your cycle
Throughout your menstrual cycle, the hormones progesterone, estrogen, and testosterone (just to name a few) are going on a bit of a roller coaster. For the first few days of this ride, during menstruation, estrogen and testosterone remain relatively low, but then begin to gradually rise, until just before ovulation when they both spike up. You can think of these two hormones as the “horny hormones,” to keep it simple. After ovulation, estrogen and testosterone crash, and progesterone starts to rise.4
For women who aren’t on hormonal birth control (which alters this cycle), this can lead to a very horny first part of the month (follicular phase), and a not-so-horny second part of the month (luteal phase).
This is perfectly natural, and might be the reason why you’re just not feeling it. If you’re not already, try keeping track of where you are in your cycle in a calendar or app. We’ve even heard of some women sharing this calendar with their partners to wordlessly communicate how they’ll likely be feeling. (Pro tip: all calendars should include “SEND CHOCOLATE” for days 24-28.)
It could be your medication
We have a whole wonderful article about the medical reasons behind vaginal dryness, and here we’re focusing mostly on the psychological side of things. But we do briefly want to mention that certain medications– namely antihistamines, certain antidepressants, birth control pills, decongestants, and cancer treatments– can cause vaginal dryness by either decreasing libido, causing dehydration in the body, or both.
You’re stressed the F out
According to the (amazing-must-read) book, “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski, stress is basically the number one lady boner killer. As she describes it in her book, women are more likely to have more sensitive “brakes” (things that prevent them from getting in the mood) and men are more likely to have more sensitive accelerators (things that get them in the mood.)
And for most people– no matter their gender– stress is a big, fat “brakes.”
“More than half of women report that stress, depression, and anxiety decrease their interest in sex; they also reduce sexual arousal and can interfere with orgasm,” she says. “Chronic stress also [reduces] genital response and [increases] distractibility and pain with sex.”
Basically, when you’re stressed, your body is in survival mode; and if you’re just trying to survive, it’s not a very good time to get laid.5
Your vagina has performance anxiety
Back to the “accelerators” and “brakes” we mentioned above. You know what is another really big “brakes” for most people? Putting pressure on yourself and your body to behave a certain way.
If you’re not feeling turned on or getting wet– it really doesn’t help to be critical or impatient with yourself. This is just added stress– again, see “lady boner killer” above.
Instead, Nagoski recommends that if you’re struggling with getting aroused, take a step back and take the focus off of sex for a while. It’s too much pressure. Take a breather.
It might be time, instead, to decrease the brakes in your life– i.e., start chipping away at the things in your life that turn you off or stress you out, while at the same time increasing the things that make you feel joyful, excited, curious, and turned on, or “accelerators.” Over time this combination could lead to space for more turn on, and yes, more wetness.5
Unresolved trauma
There is some stress that we can’t seem to get away from. This could be a job we hate but really can’t quit; a loved one struggling with addiction; or, unresolved trauma from the past. This can be any sort of trauma– but unresolved sexual trauma is especially relevant here.
Asking your body to get turned on, get wet, or even respond positively to sexual attention if you’ve been sexually assaulted, harassed, or violated in some way– which about 81 percent of women have been6–is not a fair ask.
You might think, “but it’s been years,” or “it wasn’t that big a deal.” But time does not heal all wounds, and as we’re learning more or more, trauma really is stored in the body. If you haven’t spoken to a professional about ways to move through your trauma, we urge you to do so before even worrying about things like getting wet.
How Can I Get Wet?
Well, you can decrease the stress in your life, increase the things that turn you on and get you excited, find a partner(s) you find wildly and magnetically attractive, track your cycle, and also heal all of your unresolved trauma.
In the meanwhile, here are a few more practical daily changes you can make:
- Add these foods to your diet: Salmon, soybeans, leafy greens, sweet potatoes, and yogurt have all been shown to help increase overall vaginal health and lubrication.7,8,9,10,11,12
- Buy some lube: Lube is great. Even for those who don’t have trouble getting wet, adding a little lube can just make things less frictional. Whether you’re partnered or solo, lube is your friend.
- Try a supplement. Just like the foods mentioned above, certain supplements have been shown to increase vaginal wetness by increasing blood flow to the area, promoting overall vaginal health, and decreasing stress levels.
How Can I Get in the Mood?
As Nagoski says in her book, the best way to get in the mood is to limit the “brakes” in your life (or in a sexual situation) and increase the “accelerators.”5
Write down:
What are the things that get you out of the mood?
Examples: Worrying about work, being self conscious about body image, bad lighting, bad breath, that ridiculous hat your partner insists on wearing, feeling pressured into having sex…
Whatever it is that turns you off, write it down.
What are the things that get you in the mood?
Examples: Feeling safe, feeling relaxed, having your partner take some responsibility off your plate, those really sexy gray sweat pants he wears (you know the ones), good porn, teasing, anticipation...
Whatever it is that turns you on, write it down.
The next step is to try your best to limit the turn offs and increase the turn ons in your life and in particular sexual situations.
Also, buy a vibrator. Everybody needs a good vibrator.
