“Hey, how’s your vagina feeling during sex now that you’re in perimenopause?” said no woman to her friend, ever.
In fact, many women are taking to social media, rightly complaining that their doctors aren’t even asking these important questions.
But the truth is, sex usually does change with perimenopause and postmenopause. Things like vaginal dryness may start to occur, changes in libido can happen, sex may get more painful, or for some people, more enjoyable.
So if we’re not all sitting around talking with our girlfriends about our vaginas during these years (which you absolutely, totally should), and our doctors aren’t even doing a sufficient job asking the Big Questions, how the hell are we supposed to learn what’s really going on with menopause and intercourse?
Reddit has entered the chat.
About Menopause and Sex
Earlier this year a concerned—and anonymous—woman posted on the subreddit “Menopause,” clearly in some distress.1 What she had to say may feel relatable to many of us:
Hi! I am 43 and no clear signs of perimenopause yet…
I am currently having some of the best sex of my life. My partner is interested in getting me off as many times as possible. My body is on board with this. We take our time and he helps get me off in various ways if he finishes sooner than intended or I just am not done. We're not shy with toys or lube.
Does this… just end? Am I going to be interested in sex after menopause? Am I going to be able to have multiple orgasms? Am I just not going to care?
I've never experienced this kind of anxiety around sex. I know I'm putting the cart before the horse...I just need to hear some positive experiences.
Thank you!
Well, thank you, Anonymous Redditer, because that’s exactly what we’re looking for here as well. We’ve all heard enough horror stories about menopause and sex at this point, and because of her earnest request, we now have plenty of positive ones to balance the scales.
Sex Drive During Menopause
According to most of the responses on Reddit (and, you know, scientific research), libido does tend to slow down during peri- and post menopause because of a decrease in hormones like estrogen and testosterone.2
A lack of estrogen can also cause vaginal dryness, which can make sex pretty uncomfortable—hence not wanting to have much of it.
But according to some of these responses on Reddit, a lowered libido does not mean the end of a happy sex life.
Reddit user “Theotherjenny” responded:
I’m 58 and several years past menopause and having the best sex of my life. (Met my husband at 53.) My libido has definitely taken a hit, but it isn’t gone. And even if I don’t initiate, it doesn’t take much to wake things up. We’ve gone from 6-7 days a week to 4-5, so it’s not having a huge impact. Multiple o’s are still possible.
[Editor’s note: GET IT, GIRL!]
Plus I’m a breast cancer survivor and can’t take HRT, so I’m out here bare-knuckling it. Don’t worry! Your sex life will not be over.
Another Redditer revealed her beautiful and honest approach to sex post-menopause:
So I'm 54f and my partner is 61m. We have a great sex life and have managed to maintain it so far... Orgasm has become more difficult (for us both) and I can often feel like I'm not in the mood but can become in the mood with the right stimulation. It just needs effort.
Arousal can take longer, foreplay needs more time to have the reaction required but as with most things with age we both have developed patience and resilience. It would be easy to get frustrated.
We communicate honestly about how we feel and my partner is willing to do whatever it takes to make me happy. He has even said he will give up sex if I want...I will say maintaining our sex life can sometimes be hard work but honestly I don't want to give it up.
Finally, annaoceanus reminds us that hormones are only a part of sex drive.
I think something that sometimes is lost in our discussions of sex on this subreddit is sex is a web of context and hormones are only one part of it. A loving and respectful partner, a sense of safety, an environment where you feel relaxed and playful, a body that is nourished, etc. are all things that play in.
Rather than worry, reframe your perspective so that you have a changing season ahead of you. A process that will require relearning part of who you are. It’s ok. It’s normal. And there will be some hard parts, maybe some grieving of a past self in that process, but you will also discover beautiful parts of who you are and knowing yourself. A loving partner will need patience through that journey, but good communication will get you both through it.
Painful Intercourse During Menopause
It’s true: Hormonal changes during perimenopause and postmenopause can make intercourse more painful for many women. This is because that dip in estrogen can cause vaginal dryness, thinning of the skin in the area, and changes in the pelvic floor.3
Don’t worry, there are plenty of solutions. For one, many women find relief in vaginal moisture supplements that support vaginal wetness.* And pretty much everyone agrees on lube. Lots of lube.
(This Reddit thread included the word “lube” 10 + times.)
Final Thoughts
After reading over 100 responses on this thread, some themes are clear: Yes, sex drive does tend to change during peri- and post-menopause, but that doesn’t mean your sex life is over. Many of these women have found hope, improvement—and several even report the best sex of their lives—with simple adjustments like supplements, lube (lots of lube), prescription HRT, and of course, open and honest communication.
If you’re concerned about a changing sex life during menopause, talk about it. Talk to your partner, talk to your doctor, and talk to your friends. And if that feels too vulnerable, well, there’s always Reddit.
