The holidays can be a wonderful time: lots of yummy food and festivities, Hallmark movies and wintery decor, and fellowship with loved ones. Unfortunately, the holidays also come with a fair amount of stress.
Why? Because sitting at a table with relatives and their opposing views, generational divides, and family histories can sometimes mean you’re expecting to have a few difficult conversations. Plus, if you’re more interested in confronting turkey than turbulence, end-of-year gatherings can be especially anxiety-inducing.
Don’t fret—we’re here and come bearing gifts. Here are some tips to help you navigate the holiday season: before, during, and after each gathering.
Before the gathering
We don’t mean to compare a holiday gathering to a major sporting event, but we’re doing it anyway. And any athlete will tell you that mental preparation is key.
Establish your boundaries. Before you even put on that handmade sweater, decide in which ways you’re willing to engage at this gathering. Are there topics you want to avoid entirely? Are you willing to discuss something up to a certain point? Is there one specific relative that you know you can only handle talking about the weather with? Check in with yourself and write these boundaries down, if you need to.
Set your alarms. Yes, you have internal alarms. From a tummy ache to the fight-or-flight response, physiology and somatic therapy tells us that our bodies can often let us know exactly how we’re feeling about a situation—especially when we’re triggered.1
When you’re activated, does your stomach tend to drop? Do you get a massive headache when you’re feeling overwhelmed? Make note of these internal alarms and prepare to pay attention to your body. During this gathering, if those alarms go off, you’ll know it’s time to do something about what’s triggering you.
Learn your exit lines. Come up with a sentence or two that you’ll use to indicate that you’re d-o-n-e engaging in a conversation. Our tip? Lead with “I” statements. No one can argue with you about what you’re feeling and what your personal limits are. Here are some examples, ranging from light-hearted to firm:
- “I don’t feel like discussing this any further, so I won’t be.”
- “Aaaand that’s my cue to leave the conversation.”
- “Phew! I’ve reached my limit for this, so I’m going to walk away.”
- “I’m sitting this one out.”
- “I can hear you out about this at a different time, but not tonight.”
- “I’d like to spend time with you, but I don’t want to talk about this.”
Knowing your exit lines ahead of time will take the edge off in the moment. But if you forget about them and end up improvising, it’s no biggie.
During the gathering
Know your goals, and share them. If you and your family enjoy spirited debates and in-depth convos, you don’t need to stop simply because you have opposing views! But sharing your goals from the outset can stop things from getting too heated. For example: if you’re contributing the convo to share your perspective, say that. If you’re telling a personal story to shed some insight on an experience they don’t have, mention that, too! Share your intentions so folks don’t do the math for you and sit on the defensive.
Understand you may not change their mind. Should you choose to engage in a conversation that presents different opinions, know there may be a few folks who are firmly set in their ways. If there is a personal stance you know you’ll never budge from, there is a chance an opposing opinion is rooted with the same amount of conviction.
Set ground rules. If you’d like to participate in a group conversation, but only under certain limits, share that with the table. Ground rules for productive convos can include:
- When we’re sharing, let’s speak from the I perspective.
- Let’s not make personal attacks.
- If people need to step out, let’s let them.
- Could we let everyone finish their statements before talking over them?
Now, the thing about boundaries: they determine your limits, not other people’s. So if your family isn’t down with following the ground rules you suggest, your job isn’t to convince them. Honor your limits and exit the conversation.
Remember that you don’t have to participate. You have every right to speak your mind. Or not! Some folks just want to enjoy their plate and the scent of dessert in the oven. If you’re not into the convo and feeling pressure to join, here are a few phrases to nip that in the bud:
- “I’m sitting this one out, thanks.”
- “I don’t have anything to contribute right now.”
- “That topic is off limits for me today, but y’all go ahead.”
- “I’m focused on enjoying this food at the moment, but I’m listening!”
- “You know, I’d rather just enjoy being with you guys.”
P.S. This goes both ways. If you notice someone clearly doesn’t want to engage (even if you’re curious about their perspective!), don’t pull them into the conversation.
Exit if you need to. Remember those lines we practiced? While holiday gatherings are a beautiful tradition, no one is required to stay at a table they’re uncomfortable at. It may be scary to work up the nerve to leave, but staying somewhere that’s activating you is not going to make things easier. If you need to step out for a moment, do it? Need a minute to scream in your car? Time to get some ice! Want a buddy? Grab your favorite cousin and go for a stroll.
After the gathering
We can’t control everything. Let’s say things got a little heated anyway, and you didn’t have the best time. Here’s what you do after a particularly stressful holiday gathering:
Take all the space you need. First and foremost, you need to process. That’s not going to happen on the thirty minute drive home. If you need to take some space from a particular person or group of people, do so — especially if you’re seeing them at another event soon. Don’t feel pressure to text or call in between. Take time to reset and take care of yourself.
Reach out to your support system. Throw yourself into a supportive environment! FaceTime a friend, get a post-event-download brunch with your buddy, or connect with your mental health provider, if possible.
Follow up, if appropriate. If you reach post-processing clarity and have things you want to say, you don’t have to hold them in. Your feelings are valid, and you can share them. Our only tip? Do it for you. Share what’s on your heart for your sake, not in order to elicit a specific response. This way, you can leave the next conversation feeling fulfilled, no matter what.
