Sometimes it feels like we had a class for everything, growing up, other than what would actually come in handy in our adult years. Sure, we spent years learning about nonlinear equations and complex inequalities—but where was the class on building healthy relationships?
Where was the one on healthy communication styles?
And—for many of us who sorely needed it—where was the class on setting healthy boundaries?
Unfortunately, many of us weren’t really taught how to set healthy boundaries, or even shown what healthy boundaries should look like. We grew up watching movies where “no” meant “try harder,” and dysfunctional family and friend dynamics were seen as comic relief. Don’t get us wrong—dysfunctional relationships on T.V. can be funny—but when we’re left confused in real life about setting boundaries, it’s a little less hilarious.
So today, we’re going back to the basics: Boundary setting 101. We’ll discuss what healthy boundaries are, how to go about that whole boundary-setting thing, and why it seems to be so hard for certain people.
What Are Healthy Boundaries?
The word “boundaries” gets thrown around a lot these days, so let’s set up a good definition from the start. According to the University of California, Berkeley:
Personal boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships. A person with healthy boundaries can say “no” to others when they want to, but they are also comfortable opening themselves up to intimacy and close relationships. A person who always keeps others at a distance (whether emotionally, physically, or otherwise) is said to have rigid boundaries. Alternatively, someone who tends to get too involved with others has porous boundaries.1
So as you can see, setting boundaries is not about controlling other people’s actions. Setting boundaries is about letting people know what is acceptable and unacceptable to you. Other people will act as they do, but your own personal boundaries will dictate how you respond.
Let’s say, for example, you have a friend who is an alcoholic. (Jumping straight to addiction because it’s a great example of when boundaries can get very hard to navigate!) You can’t control whether or not your friend drinks excessively; but you can control yourself in the situation. A boundary here would be, “I won’t be around you when you’ve been drinking.” That may mean you don’t see your friend for days, weeks, or even months. But sticking to your own personal boundary is important for your own mental health– and for the other person.
When we break our own boundaries, it communicates to others that we’re not serious about enforcing them, and on some fundamental level, we’re unreliable.
Why Is Setting Boundaries Difficult?
There are so many reasons that setting boundaries can be harder for some people and in some situations.
The situation we mentioned above is a great example. You may be a total boss when it comes to setting boundaries at work with your employees—“I said that was due at the end of the week, and I mean it!” (or insert whatever people in the corporate world say)–-but if your loved one is struggling with addiction or mental health issues, setting firm boundaries can be much harder.
So, circumstances can make boundary-setting hard.
Likewise, setting boundaries may be harder for certain groups of people in general, including folks who identify as codependent, anxiously attached, “people pleasers,” those who have low self esteem, or are in an inferior position. Boundary-setting also looks different depending on culture.
- Codependency: A codependent person is someone who struggles to function on their own and whose thinking and behavior is instead organized around another person, process, or substance. Many codependents place a lower priority on their own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.2
- Anxious attachment: An insecure attachment style characterized by a strong desire for close relationships, but accompanied by a fear of abandonment and a need for constant reassurance.3
- People pleaser: Somebody who prioritizes others' needs and opinions above their own, often at the expense of their own well-being and boundaries.4
- Low self esteem: This is when somebody has a persistently negative view of themselves, lacks confidence, or generally feels inadequate or worthless.5 Low self esteem is sometimes (not always) tied to codependency, anxious attachment, and people pleaser tendencies.
- Lower position: People in a lower position—let’s say at work, in a social situation, or simply those younger in age—seem to have more trouble setting boundaries with those they perceive as being in more powerful positions.
Editor’s note: This is something that has (thankfully) come up a lot since the #metoo movement began several years ago. In many situations, people (mostly women) in less powerful positions found it nearly impossible to set boundaries with people (mostly men) in more powerful positions. This could be for fear of physical violence, loss of job opportunity, social repercussions, simply being young enough to not be confident in boundary-setting, or any number of other factors. Luckily, we are talking about this more, but we still have a long way to go.
- Boundaries across cultures: The U.S. is considered a pretty individualistic culture, where setting personal boundaries is valued. However, in more collectivist cultures, the priority is on maintaining group harmony over personal needs—which may make boundary-setting feel hard, or even out of the question.6
How to Set Healthy Boundaries
Whether you’re setting boundaries with friends, family members, a partner, or co-workers, the same rules apply.
Step 1: Determine what your needs are to feel healthy, happy, and have your own sense of identity. To do this, you might consider making a list of core values and beliefs. What do I need to feel happy? What makes me feel safe? How much time and energy am I willing to spend with different people and in different situations?
Step 2: Trust and believe that you have the right to set a boundary.
Step 3: Communicate your boundary clearly and respectfully. Try to use “I” statements rather than blaming or accusing the other person. You may receive pushback or defensiveness, but try to stay nonreactive and just communicate about what you need.
Step 4: Reinforce your boundaries. As mentioned before, if you set a boundary and then immediately go back on it, you’re not respecting your own needs and you’re also letting the other person know you’re not serious about your boundary. If your boundary is crossed, communicate about it.
Step 5: Remember that you can come back and “edit” your boundary as you change, circumstances change, or other people change.
Examples of Healthy Boundaries
Physical boundaries
- “I don’t want a hug right now.”
- “I’m not ready to move in with you.”
- “It’s not okay to touch me in that way.”
- “Please don’t go into my room while I’m out.”
Emotional boundaries
- “I need space to process this.”
- “I don’t feel comfortable or ready to share that with you.”
- “I don’t feel that way about you.”
- “No. I don’t have the capacity to do that right now.”
Sexual boundaries
- “I don’t feel ready to have sex yet.”
- “No. I’m not in the mood.”
- “I don’t feel comfortable with PDA.”
- Just “no.”
Time boundaries
- “I’m on vacation, so please don’t contact me about work during this time.”
- “I don’t respond to emails after 6 PM.”
- “I can go to this event, but can only stay for two hours.”
- “I don’t have time to discuss this right now.”
Material boundaries
- “Do not go into my closet and borrow my clothes without asking.”
- “I want to keep our finances separate.”
- “I don’t feel comfortable lending you my car for the day.”
- “No, I can’t loan you the money.”
Additionally, if you’re looking for some prime examples of great boundary-setting in T.V. and film (unlike some of the stuff we grew up with…), check out the way Barbie sets all of these types of boundaries like a boss and the many wonderful examples of boundary-setting throughout Netflix’s Sex Education.
