There are few connections more sacred than the friendships shared amongst women. It is where you are your most raw and tender, yet most deeply seen and understood. It’s an intimacy that supersedes romance, a coven where guttural laughter and spiritual expansion come to play. You hold space for each other’s dreams, fears, inner children, and insecurities.
With that kind of love, however, comes a particular grief if those friendships come to an end. Research shows half of close friendships turn over every seven years, and almost 90% of women in one survey shared that losing a female friend felt as devastating, or more, than a romantic breakup, experiencing “intense mourning” and betrayal.1
Whether you were blindsided by the demise of the friendship or were the one who chose to walk away, it is an unfathomable sorrow. You can no longer send memes to that friend or confide in them after a bad date—and you realize a platonic breakup can be just as disorienting as a romantic one.
Best Friend Breakups
Making friends in adulthood is hard. You don’t have the shared spaces like school and sports that would inevitably lend to lasting connections. You have to pour effort into maintaining the friendships of your childhood, or go out into the world and figure out how to make new ones. But when it happens, when you truly click with someone who gets your humor and makes any hang feel like a playdate, it’s nothing short of magic.
This makes the devastation of a friend breakup all the more grueling. It’s something that happens at least once in every woman’s life, a character-building experience that can shake your bones and have you questioning your worth. Was I doing too much? Was I annoying? Does everyone in my life secretly hate me? However, a friend’s choice to walk away is often a choice made from where they are at in life rather than a reflection of your value. Growth, change, and incompatibility don’t mean you failed. What’s important is to let yourself feel the full range of emotions you may respond with. Friendship breakups can trigger shame, confusion, grief, and even rage. You don’t have to minimize your pain just because it “wasn’t romantic.”
How to Break Up With a Friend
Like any kind of breakup, ending a friendship is one of the toughest acts to follow through with. It’s important to note, however, that there are plenty of valid reasons why one would want to walk away from a friendship. Sometimes you have a friend carrying a heavy weight you don’t have the capacity to aid in alleviating, and you need to protect your peace. Sometimes, life has grown you apart and sent you down different paths. Sometimes that friend is no longer a good friend to you. Sometimes, from an intuitive space, you’ve simply recognized that the friendship isn’t serving you. Whatever the case, ending a friendship is hard, yet at times, ultimately necessary.
If you recognize someone in your life is impeding your growth and it’s time to let them go, here are some tips on how to navigate ending a friendship:
Get Clear on Why You’re Ending the Friendship
Before initiating the conversation with the other person, spend time with yourself getting clear on why you’re walking away. Is it a boundary issue, a toxic dynamic, misalignment in values, or simply growing apart? The clarity will help you communicate honestly.
Here are some additional tips:
Decide Whether a Conversation Even Needs to Happen
It’s crucial to mention that not every friendship breakup requires a dramatic sit-down. Depending on the history and context, some intentional distancing can be enough. Be discerning about whether or not this is an instance where having closure would truly be necessary.
Choose the Right Setting
Be mindful about how you deliver the message. FaceTime or meeting in person is typically a better choice for long-term or emotionally involved friendships. Texting it in some instances can work too, though it can also lead to misunderstandings or feel dismissive.
Be Honest, But Kind
Anything can come from love. Try to use “I” statements to express how you feel rather than putting the blame on them. For example, saying, “I’ve noticed I feel really anxious after we hang out, and I need space to focus on my mental health” lands better than “You’re always draining me.”
Don’t Rehash Every Friendship Fight
Do your best to remove ego. This isn’t the time to list every past instance of pain. Instead, focus on the present moment and why the current dynamic no longer works for you. You’re not trying to win an argument, you’re trying to choose yourself.
Be Prepared for Their Reaction
Like a romantic breakup, their response can be unpredictable. They may be shocked, hurt, defensive, or maybe even relieved. You can’t control their feelings, only how you express yourself, so stay grounded in your truth while maintaining empathy.
Set Boundaries Moving Forward
For the good of both of you, it’s important to set consequential boundaries. Whether it’s unfollowing on social media or doing once-shared activities separately, think about what space you need post-breakup and honor that.
Give Yourself Time to Grieve
Even if you were the one who chose it, losing a friend can leave an emotional void. Let yourself mourn the memories made and honor what the friendship taught you, even if it ultimately had to end.
All in all, the grief that accompanies the demise of a female friendship is valid. Whether you’re feeling debilitated by being broken up with or doing the breaking up, just know that the pain deserves to be acknowledged. Beyond that, it’s important to remember that women are resilient and regenerative. For every connection that doesn’t work out, there are countless others who align with who you are and will be devout partners in crime.
