If you’re dating or in a relationship with somebody, at some point the “baby conversation” might come up. It could be as simple and as early on as date two—“You want kids?” “No. Never.” “Me neither.” “Cool. Should we get more guac?” And that’s that.
But for many couples, this talk is more complicated and nuanced. In this article, we’ll hear from real couples who have navigated these moments—sometimes with greater ease than others– as well as marriage and family therapist associate, Jen Hill.
When should you have “the baby” talk with your partner?
According to Hill, there is no exact “right” time to have this conversation, and it will vary from person to person. “People should have this conversation whenever they feel it's right for them. If a person knows that they would only date someone who absolutely wants children, then maybe they bring it up before they even decide to go out on a first date. On the other hand, someone might want to wait until things are starting to get more intimate before they broach the subject. If the question is on your mind and you feel you ought to bring it up, then that's probably the right time to do so.”
To her point about bringing up children before the first date, if you know this is a non-negotiable, this is something that dating apps can help us with. Most dating apps these days allow you to filter solely for people who want kids, don’t want kids, are open to kids, etc. If you’re on the apps like at least 45 percent of this country’s population, this is a good way to make sure you’re on the same page from go.1
“It’s a non-starter at this age if we diverge [on wanting kids or not],” says Michael, age 40.
What is the best way to initiate the conversation?
“My advice is to share that you have something you want to discuss and ask your partner if this is a good time, or make plans to have the conversation at a different time, “ Hill says. She advises you put away cell phones or any other distractions. “Ideally find a time when you are both relaxed and feeling connected. Share your feelings and share vulnerably.”
It’s also a good idea not to bank on the assumption that your partner will change their mind on this. There is a saying that goes a little something like, “When someone tells you who they are, believe them.” If your partner says they absolutely do or don’t want children—whether or not this is what you want—trust their word. They may, indeed, change their mind down the line, but you can’t count on that.
One couple, Sky and John, shared a story that might feel familiar to many. These two met at just 18 years old and at the time, Sky knew she wanted children, and John said he absolutely did not. “I imagined with time that would change,” Sky says, adding, “it did fluctuate slightly over time. But his [desire not to have children] resolidified as we got older. We’ve had many tear-filled conversations over the 15 plus years.” Ultimately, the two have decided not to have children and Sky fills her “desire to nurture” in other ways.
What should you do if one of you wants kids and the other doesn’t?
“Try to approach the conversation with openness, honesty, and curiosity, exploring feelings but not searching for ‘answers’ at this time,” says Hill. “Be honest and straightforward about your feelings, and encourage your partner to do the same. If you aren't sure how you feel, that's okay too.”
To help navigate this conversation, Hill recommends the book The Baby Decision by Merle Bombardieri as well as the Esther Perel podcast episode, “I Don’t Think I Want Kids But My Partner Might.”2,3
“Like Esther Perel explains in this episode, the questions to ask really involve what each person's experiences are from their own childhoods and families; how were they raised; what kinds of messages have they internalized about having and raising children; what kinds of pressures are on them to have children (familial, societal, etc.), how would life change if children come into the family, finances, etc. For a while, there are probably more questions than answers and it's so important to be curious and nonjudgmental when having these kinds of conversations. And it's not just one conversation, but many!”
This is also true for parents who already have a child or children, and may disagree about whether or not to have more. Cassidy and her husband, Shane, knew they both wanted to have a big family early on in their dating. Not too long after getting married, Cassidy got pregnant and they had their first son. Soon after he was born, she got pregnant with their second son. And soon after he was born, she got pregnant with their third child; another boy. “We were stunned they were all boys,” says Shane. It was after their third boy that the disagreement began.
“[Having three kids] was really challenging. We were outnumbered. Overwhelmed. It was incredibly hard, and we had no money,” says Cassidy. “When our third started preschool at two or two and a half, it was the first time one of our kids went off to preschool and I didn’t have a newborn or infant still at home.” Cassidy found herself with free time for the first time in years. She started going back to the gym; enrolled for an online course. She started feeling good again. So perhaps it may seem counterintuitive that she wanted to have a fourth child as soon as possible.
“I said, ‘if we’re going to have a fourth, we have to do it soon, or I’m going to start enjoying what it feels like to be ‘normal’ again too much, and I’m not going to be able to go back.”
Shane, on the other hand, was already feeling underwater with three. “I remember thinking, I already can’t meet all of the family’s needs financially, and having another kid is only going to make it harder.” Money is a very real concern when thinking about growing your family. In Cassidy and Shane’s case, they did end up having a fourth child—one more boy. “We didn’t want to have an odd number because someone would always feel left out,” says Cassidy. She adds, “It was very hard, and is still very hard [having four kids.]”
“But it’s gotten easier as they’ve gotten older,” says Shane.
If you both want kids, what sort of things should you find out next in the conversation?
How would you want to raise your kids, politically, religiously, etc.? Why do you want kids? When do you want kids?
“All of these are good questions to ask, “ says Hill. She adds that beyond simply asking the questions, be sure to share your feelings about these topics. And be curious. “Ask yourself, why do you feel the way you do? Do you feel like you ‘should’ feel a certain way or is that really how you feel, and if so, why?”
If you have differing views on how to raise your children, this can be a difficult thing to navigate—especially if these things feel like non-negotiables to each parent.
Sarah, who has been married to James for 11 years, notes how very difficult she would find it to have drastically different views on how to raise their daughter. “I’d never divorce James over him not doing chores the way I want him to. But it would be a different story if we had fundamental differences in how to raise [our daughter].”
She’s not wrong. It does seem that differing parenting styles often do lead to divorce, according to divorce lawyers and psychologists.4,5,6
Hill suggests navigating these differences with curiosity and patience. “No two people are the same, so likely there will be some differences. Share, listen, and validate your partner's feelings and emotions. Only after both people feel heard and understood should any sort of ‘solution’ or compromise begin.”
What should you do if you are on different timelines for having children?
Aubrey and her partner Tyler met when they were young. At the time, Aubrey knew she wanted children; Tyler was a no. Over time, though, Tyler did change his mind. Aubrey came home one day and Tyler presented her with a tiny, little onesie. “Does that mean it’s time to start trying for a baby?” she asked. He said, “No. But soon.”
Soon, to Tyler, meant waiting two to four years. Aubrey was ready—had been ready—but she agreed to wait, with the stipulation, “If you’re not ready within that time or you change your mind, I’m going have to move on.” Luckily for these two, the timing ultimately worked out for the best as they moved several times during those years, and three years after the onesie, Aubrey got pregnant with their first child. And perhaps even luckier, Aubrey says no resentment built between the two during this “waiting” period.
But having different timelines for children can be tough to navigate, and will ultimately involve compromise. Hill again advises approaching these conversations with openness, curiosity, and patience, before moving forward with a plan or compromise.
What do you suggest for couples who are trying to get pregnant, but struggling?
“We struggled to get pregnant and it put a strain on the relationship for sure,” says Jackie. “It took us five years, five IUIs, a miscarriage, and IVF to have our first kid.”
“This is a hard position for couples to be in,” Hill says. “You are not alone, but you may feel very isolated. You may be grieving; you may feel angry. I recommend seeking therapy so that you can receive professional support.”
We know that therapy isn’t always a financial option for everyone, and if that’s the case, Hill encourages sharing your experience with friends and family who won’t be judgemental. “We say, ‘it takes a village’ when we talk about raising children, but often it also takes a village to feel supported, cared for, and understood in these sorts of difficult times as well.”
If you and your partner are struggling to conceive, remember, this is not your fault. About nine percent of males and about 11 percent of females of reproductive age in the United States have experienced fertility problems.7
PREGGO Sperm Health and PREGGO Conception supplements may be able to help. Always speak to your doctor before adding new supplements or medications to your routine.
What do you suggest for couples who unexpectedly get pregnant, and one person is excited and the other isn't?
“Share, listen, and validate your partner's feelings and emotions without judgment. This is probably a situation in which seeking therapy from a counselor specializing in prenatal and parenting issues could be helpful. If you feel it's safe to do so, you may choose to talk to others who can empathize with you. Know that your feelings are valid and seek support.”
About Jen Hill
Jen Hill is a Marriage and Family Therapist Associate, based out of Austin, Texas and is supervised by Claudia Thompson. You can learn more about her and her work with Enhancing Intimacy Counseling at www.enhancingintimacyaustin.com.
A note on sex and gender: Sex and gender exists on spectrums, and this article uses terms like “male” or “female” to refer to sex assigned at birth. Learn more.
