Sometimes a new term comes along that finally accurately describes a feeling that we’ve been having for centuries.
We can only imagine that the newly-popular phrase, “The ick,” is one such example.
According to relationship and sex therapist, Malia Scott, LPC, CSCT, this phrase is all over the place these days—particularly among female and women-identifying Gen Z-ers and millennials—largely due to social media and “group thought.”
But what, exactly, is “the ick”?
What Is 'Getting The Ick'?
These days, when somebody says, “it gave me the ick,” they’re usually describing a feeling of disgust that arises towards a love interest, usually after a specific, often trivial, behavior.
According to our friends on Reddit, this can look like:
Suggesting to your new match on a dating app that you two go get a “drinky-poo.”
Failing to return borrowed tupperware.
A public, freestyle serenade.
Bad breath.
A bad first kiss.
Talking too loudly in quiet spaces.
Cheesy jokes.
Making a really goofy face whenever he dances.
Storing a tiny little bit of spit in the corner of his mouth, all the time.
Referring to your vagina as “her.”
(Thank you, Reddit, for always coming through. Now I think we’re all done with dating.)
Notice that these actions are not necessarily red flags—which tend to be more serious violations like, “She doesn’t want children and I do,” “She’s polyamorous and I’m not,” or “Dude doesn’t believe in dinosaurs.”
“The ick” is unique in that these little social violations are not harmful, per se, but automatically and instantly result in a feeling of disgust—one that feels hard to recover from. Any feeling of attraction to that person is usually zapped by the power of “the ick,” and often, it can be the nail in the coffin in the romantic relationship.
But maybe, it doesn't have to be.
Is There A Way To Recover from The Ick?
If you haven’t seen the 2024 Netflix show Nobody Wants This yet, consider putting a pin in this article, binging the entire series, and then coming back. It is so good.
There is a particular scene in the show—apparently based off of the show creator’s real life– that perfectly nails “the ick.”
Noah is meeting main character, Joanne’s, family for the first time. He walks into the house, wearing a sports coat and shorts, carrying a way-too-heavy bouquet of sunflowers for her mother, says something far too loud in a bad Italian accent—and that’s it. Joanne has the ick.
She rushes into the kitchen with her sister, who has seen the whole thing unfold from a distance.
“Sweetie, you can’t fight the ick,” her sister says. “It’s like a Chinese finger trap. The harder you pull, the stronger it gets.”
But in the next scene, Joanne seems to do the impossible; she gets over the ick.
In the show—and in the show creator’s real life—this is because of excellent communication. Noah (based on the creator’s real life husband) sees that Joanne is pulling away, likely based on some superficial judgment, and he calls her on it. It allows for a moment of connection and authenticity between the two that—impossibly, miraculously—transcends the ick.
(You can watch an interview with show creator Erin Foster, about this scene here. It’s excellent.)
What Is Happening, Psychologically, With The Ick?
Before we dive into ways to move through the ick, let’s figure out what, exactly, is happening in these moments on a psychological level.
According to Malia Scott, the “ick” feeling tends to come about when somebody is in the relationship phase of individuation and also differentiation.
“Individuation is the process of becoming a distinct individual,” says Scott. “As you individuate, you realize you are different from other people. Differentiation is the ability to separate your personal thoughts, feelings, emotions, actions and behaviors from others. If someone is not differentiated, they don’t know themselves and they won’t know what gives them ‘the ick.’ But if someone is differentiated, they know themselves and what gives them ‘the ick.’”
Address, Confront, and Talk About it
According to Scott, people tend to respond to this feeling in all sorts of different ways—some people get anxious, some people get freaked out and ghost; some people just cringe and move through it.
However, she says that while the ick can’t exactly be “reversed,” it can be addressed, confronted, and talked about.
She recommends that folks start by educating themselves on the concepts of individuation and differentiation.
“[It’s important to know that] all humans are unique and do things differently. Try on curiosity and understanding about others, and try to expand some empathy skills,” she says.
Steps To Moving Through The Ick
Here’s a step-by-step breakdown of how you might move through “the ick” next time it comes up, according to Scott.
- Notice your initial response. What did it feel like? What did you notice? What did you not like about it? Did it trigger you somehow?
- What does this initial response teach you about yourself?
- What does this initial response teach you about the other person?
- Is there a request you can make, versus a complaint, or shutting down and not responding or ghosting?
- Have a real human conversation with the other person about these feelings using mirroring, validating the other person, and see if there is an opportunity to lean into empathy.
“These are some skills I see that a lot of people don’t have or practice,” Scott adds. She also advises that people—especially young people—need to spend time finding out what they like and don’t like, learning what their values are in relationships, and can also benefit from finding out what their attachment style is—which, side note, can totally fluctuate from relationship to relationship, over time, or even throughout your menstrual cycle.
Just to keep things interesting.
