As vagina owners know, we can physiologically transform as we move through each checkpoint of our cycles, sometimes presenting as entirely different human beings. During our follicular phase, our creativity is at an all-time high, and we’re often eager to give birth to new projects, ideas, and identities. When we’re ovulating, there’s a warm inner glow and insatiable need for affection; a cheetah on the prowl who yearns for taste and excitement. In our luteal phase, we’re locked in and focused, until our energy begins to wane and our PMS overstimulates us into exhaustion. When we’re menstruating, we’re the embodiment of winter, a recoiling that demands solitude and minimal exertion.
In a heterosexual dynamic, your testosterone-dominant partner is a mere witness—a steady anchor who holds ground as you spiral through. They don’t really understand, they truly never will, but (if trained well) they might be equipped with chocolate, heating pads, and agreeable attitudes to support your metamorphosis.
But what happens when you’re in a two-vagina dynamic? In many queer and lesbian relationships, both partners are moving through extremes, sometimes on completely different schedules. Partner A could be ovulating and craving tender touch while Partner B could be menstruating and wanting to live in a cave far removed from civilization. With two lovers demanding polarizing non-negotiables, how do you survive?
“You know how when you get your period you feel absolutely crazy? Imagine there’s two of those in the house. That should be illegal.”
Here are some takeaways from two same-sex female couples (Megan and TJ, Estefania and Shelby) who had insight and advice on navigating a two-vagina household.
Sometimes you sync. Sometimes you don’t.
Ever spent a lot of time with your sister or bestie and end up syncing cycles? Imagine what happens when you share an entire living space with your menstruating lover.
“We call whoever gets their period first the alpha,” shares Estefania. “We’re both pretty regular but it ebbs and flows, so there’s a time when we’re synced and it’s so lovely. Most of the time though we’re not synced and it’s just a full month of period.”
When you and your partner end up menstruating on polar ends of the month, the pre and post-symptoms can overlap, feeling like there’s a never ending cycle to survive.
“I’m very irregular so in the beginning we never really synced. Her period was usually at the start of the month and mine was more towards the end, so it was constant war the entire month,” Megan adds. “We’re more synced now and that’s been the best. It’s the most peace and harmony we’ve had, we haven’t been fighting as much.”
You can take turns assuming the role of caretaker.
Instead of one partner having to step up to the plate during a certain time of the month, in two vagina households, the role is shared.
Estefania notes, “It’s nice to step into the caretaker role, especially when you’re both on your period at the same time because it takes your brain away from your own pain.”
The awareness of what your partner is going through, even if you may be surviving it yourself, is enough to want to cultivate as much comfort for them as possible.
“I think that’s why in ancient times a lot of women had companions, or why older women end up living with their sisters. There’s just no better feeling when your body hurts and you feel insane for someone to just completely get it and isn’t judging you or scared of you.”
Switching roles, however, isn’t exactly the same for Megan and TJ.
“There’s not necessarily a caretaker, we don’t really take turns. We both have different kinds of periods so we just know what to expect from each other and what our respective roles are. Honestly we just stay away from each other as much as we can.”
It lends to more understanding from your partner.
For many heterosexual couples, it can feel as if your partner is blind to your menstrual experience, unable to fathom (let alone retain) any insight you share. However, in same-sex dynamics, with shared experience comes more understanding, and thus, more attention to detail.
“She knows when I’m about to get my period because I get very loving right before,” Megan reflects. “I’ll start hugging and kissing her on the couch and she’ll be like ‘Are you about to get your period?’"
Estefania agrees.
“It’s a lot of emotions and a lot of talking, but there’s a lot of really solid support because you understand what the other person is going through. If there’s any wisdom I can offer to men with female partners, it’s empathy. There’s no better feeling than your partner knowing exactly what you’re feeling and how to handle it. I’m getting handed a heating pad and a cup of tea before the cramps are even hitting because she knows. We have the same anatomy so it’s more sincere.”
For the partners that feel disregarded by their male counterparts, it’s important to let them in and speak up on your needs.
“It’s very hard for men to relate because they don’t go through the pains and can’t fathom all the mental struggles and hormones. I understand what she’s going through because I have my own chaos. Men need to work on having more patience, understanding, communication—just allowing your partner to exist. I’m usually in a bad mood and tend to want to be by myself when I’m on my period, so I’ll tell TJ, ‘‘Hey, heads up, I’m going to be a raging bitch today and it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me, so please handle me with care.’ We warn each other and we both get it.”
It takes vulnerability to voice it and humility to accept it, but ultimately, it’s an investment in cultivating a healthy ecosystem at home.
You can have very different symptoms.
One open conversation with a group of friends is enough insight to realize us women have very different periods, and of course, the same rings true for queer couples.
“She barely gets pain but she bleeds a lot, so she’ll stain and have to deal with that, whereas I’m super light, but I get pains to the point where I don’t sleep at night and have to lay on the floor with a heating pad,” Megan shares. “She has a moody PMS, which I don’t, so I just let her exist in her moods. I’ll just be like ‘Okay, that’s fine’ and do her side of the chores maybe. And for me, she’ll walk the dogs if I’m in really bad pain.”
“When I see Shelby’s irrational behaviors beginning, there’s no like, ‘Oh, it’s the time of the month’ comments that are so triggering,” Estfania adds. “But because I’m so aware of what’s really going on internally, she can’t bullshit me the way that you can with a guy.”
Sex isn’t as important.
It’s a commonly shared sentiment that many women in heterosexual partnerships feel obligated to quench their male partner’s sexual yearning, though it sometimes can seem insatiable. With raging testosterone, they can be ready to go at any point during the month, whereas women tend to have more definitive windows of desire. Regardless, many can push themselves to please in a performative manner, which isn’t the same for two-vagina households.
“There’s a lot of communication around it in a two-vagina household which is really beautiful. But then sometimes that’s all it is, just communication,” Estefania shares.
Megan also speaks to the significance of communication within her partnership.
“Four days before I get my period, I want to have sex with any and everything. During that time, I’ll voice it and make sure she’s in that space, too. We have busy schedules so sex isn’t something that just happens when you get home and prop your legs open, we kind of have to discuss and plan it. But we make sure the other person never feels obligated to meet our needs. We both have our toys.”
Reflecting on the heterosexual relationships she’d been in prior to TJ, Megan shares:
“When it came to sex, I felt like a doll. Whenever he pulled his dick out, I had to jump on it. That was very stressful for me because I didn’t want it all the time, most of the time I didn’t actually. When I met TJ, sex was so organic and we read each other. I knew her look, her body language. People aren’t sex toys on demand. Check in to see if your partner is available, the same way you would check in on a friend to see if they’re available before you trauma dump.”
Estefania has also found solace in escaping the heterosexual shackles of obligatory sex, witnessing it in many of her straight friends’ marital sentiments.
“I don’t think that lesbian bed death is a real thing but with female queer relationships, I can definitely see it being more difficult because there’s no ‘burden to please’ the way that there can be in heterosexual relationships. I was at a dinner party with a bunch of straight girls and they were all talking about having sex like three times a week because it’s what their husbands want and Shelby and I were like ‘That’s… a lot. And it doesn’t sound like you’re wanting to do it? It sounds like you’re saying I have to do it.’ It’s a blessing and a curse, but we definitely have to actively work to keep our sex life alive.”
